The importance of sex in marriage can’t be understated – you only have to google “sexless marriage” to see how much pain and unhappiness that state causes. Here’s how to translate that knowledge into action, and address how to have more sex in your marriage.The other day I was watching an old Family Feud show, where the contestants have to guess the most common responses to starters.
On this particular episode, the starter was “I would _____ for sex,” and the respondents were asked what MEN would answer.
I wasn’t taking notes or anything, but the answers went kind of like this:
Man 1: die
Woman 1: cook
Man 2: beg
Woman 2: clean
Man 3: kill
It was pretty clear to me why in some marriages, the frequency of sex in marriage is less than both may like – men don’t feel like they’re getting enough at all whereas women feel like if their husbands only cooked, cleaned, or all round just helped around the house, then maybe they’d feel less tired and more like having sex in the first place!
Indeed, you’d be hard-pressed to find a person who had never heard a man joke about not getting enough sex. But underneath this joking is truth – for both men and women (because hey we love it too) – and that’s regarding the importance of sex in marriage.
There are so many benefits of sex in marriage. Emotional benefits include feeling more connected to your spouse, more calm, less anxious or stressed and less insecure, and physical benefits include improved immunity, sleep, lower blood pressure and (funnily enough) an increased libido (source).
Yes, having sex more often makes you want to have even more sex!
But before we get started on how to get more sexually active, then let’s get one thing straight – and that is the ideal frequency of sex.
Ultimately, the ideal frequency of sex in your marriage is a personal thing. If you and your husband are not on the same page with this, then some form of compromise may be in order.
Personally, my magic amount to feel all the good things that come from sex (but mainly that feeling of being close and connected) is three times a week. However often practical reality means that once a week is more likely. Anything less than that and I start feeling uptight and disconnected and that things are not as they should be in our marriage.
And that magic number is pretty spot on for most people – according to one study people feel happy with sex once a week, no more happy with more sex, but less happy with less sex (source).
With that in mind, let’s be aiming for once a week.
But how, you ask?
Well, here’s some simple, easy ways to have more sex in your marriage so you can hit that magic number (if not exceed it!).
Believe that sex is a priority in your life
Having more sex largely comes down to how much you value sex with your spouse in the first place. If it’s not important to you, then none of these things will work.
Even if you don’t feel like it IS a priority, remember all those emotional and physical benefits of sex that were mentioned above. Would having those benefits improve your quality of life?
If you’re still not convinced, then ask your husband if he is happy with your sex life. If he isn’t, then ask him what it would take for him to be happy. Have sex more often? With more variety?
Then ask him how that would make him feel about your marriage and about him as a person if he was completely satisfied with your sex life.
Is that enough of a motivation?
Seize the moment for sex
How many of you feel gripped with an insatiable desire to make love the minute you tumble into bed at the end of the day? Not many, right?
Most of the time we’re exhausted with all of the demands that have been made on us. We’re trying to relax and clear our heads and the last thing we feel we need is to get busy between the sheets.
Instead, one way to have more sex in marriage is to seize the moment. When you feel the urge – don’t tell yourself you’ll hold on to that until bedtime (yeah right!), or that you’re just warming yourself up for later.
Trust me, later it will be the last thing you want to do.
Instead, if one or the other of you gets the urge to have sex, then act on it then and there as much as is practical and of course legal!
Kids fallen asleep for an afternoon nap? Run for the bedroom!
Kids out at their friends? What are you waiting for?
You’ve come inside from yard work and jumped in the shower? Invite your husband in!
Embrace the quickie
Listen, I don’t know who got the idea that an all-night sex marathon was either a desirable or aspirational goal. According to one study (source), the following is in fact the case:
1-2 minutes of sex? Too short.
3-7 minutes? Good enough.
7-13 minutes? The sweet spot.
10 minutes to 30 minutes? Too long.
Who doesn’t have seven minutes!
So instead of looking at the clock and thinking the last thing you have time for is some sexy time, think about how good you’ll feel in oh, about seven minutes!
Have sneaky sex
Closely related to the quickie is sneaky sex. Because we know that sex doesn’t actually take that long, we can sneak in the odd love-making session here and there.
Sneaky sex involves you and your loved one sneaking off somewhere in the house (as a rule) where you would a) not be likely to be discovered and b) is an unlikely place in which to get down and dirty.
This is an especial go to when you have other people in the house.
Have a walk in wardrobe?
Laundry? (Let’s be honest- you’re pretty safe that your kids will never venture in there!).
All perfect spots for some sneaky sex!
Say yes to sex
If one of the reasons you’re not having sex is that you’re constantly saying no, then try not to as a default response. I don’t know about you, but it actually doesn’t feel that good when you want to get close to your honey and they turn around and reject you.
Yes, you may have many reasons to say no. You’re tired. You’re not in the mood. Maybe you’re even a little angry or resentful.
Well, having sex releases hormones that relax you and help you to sleep. It’s also amazing how fast you can get in the mood – especially when your husband knows all the right things to do. And if you’re feeling cross or disconnected, then trying to go to sleep probably won’t help – but making love just might.
And remember what I said above – it only takes seven minutes.
So how about just doing it – practice saying yes every time your husband asks and see if that helps.
Schedule in sexy time
If none of the above options are working, then it’s time to start scheduling it in.
Now I’m not talking about how at 7pm on a Tuesday night, both of you abruptly stop whatever you’re doing and head off to the bathroom – unless of course that’s how you like things.
What works for me more is that Sunday mornings, you have a lazy lie in and that’s your sexy time.
Or Friday nights.
Or Monday at lunchtime.
Regardless of when you choose to have it, make a commitment with your man that this time is your time together and nothing is to get in the way of it.
Try move past the whole idea of sex needing to be spontaneous and impulsive.
I mean, think about exercise – we enjoy it (sometimes), we certainly enjoy its benefits, but If you’ve ever done any form of sustained training, you’ll know that leaving things up to chance often means it doesn’t happen.
So approach sex the same way – it’s important enough to make sure it happens.
Talk about what turns you on
Sex is one of the most pleasurable experiences in the world.
I actually think it is pretty amazing that our bodies were designed to give us so much enjoyment.
But maybe the reason you’re not having enough sex is because you haven’t communicated clearly what you like.
Do you even know what you like?
If you don’t, then that’s the first step. Either experiment on your own or with each other until you know what turns you on.
Once you’re clear – share it with him!
If you feel a little embarrassed or uncomfortable, then the noises you make can be a great indicator. Enthusiastic moans and groans, the odd “yes” can help give your lover the signals that what he’s doing are working!
Spice it up
Maybe you’re already comfortable with talking about what turns you on – but the reality is that you’ve been making love for so long, sometimes it gets a little… predictable.
It’s a bit like those comfy pants you like to put on – they feel super comfortable, they make you feel good – but they’re not knocking anyone’s socks off.
So if you’re wondering how to keep sex interesting in a marriage, to spice things up you could:
- Complete a sex bucket list and make a plan to tick off the items
- Confess your secret fantasy and act it out
- Read or watch erotica together (so long as you are both comfortable with this and there have never been any issues around such things in your marriage).
The importance of sex in marriage can’t be understated – you only have to google “sexless marriage” to see how much pain and unhappiness that state causes. And hopefully you also know now all the benefits of sex.
But if you want to translate that knowledge into action, and really address how to have more sex in your marriage, you need to do the following: believe sex is a priority, seize the moment, embrace the quickie, have sneaky sex, say yes to sex, schedule it in, and finally, talk about what turns you on.
Following these simple steps will help most couples increase their intimacy and their happiness.
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