Questions to ask before marriage

Getting married? Get your marriage off to the right start with these questions to ask before marriage. These questions cover everything from intimacy to in-laws.

Whether you’re freshly engaged and have never lived together, or have been shacked up in cohabiting bliss for years, getting married does mark a shift in your relationship.

To me that’s because like birth and death, marriage is marked by a day where you pledge your love and commitment to each other, usually, but not necessarily, in front of other people. It’s like you say, here world! This is us. A conscious coupling, if you will.

And while legally there are many rights that are shared between married and de facto couples, I don’t view living together and being married as the same thing.

It’s hardly surprising I say that though – I’m married to my forever husband but it took three tries to get it right!

As a fan of marriage and, like I said, as someone who’s walked down the aisle a few times, I know that in those early years of marriage there are some common issues that crop up.

These issues are usually around the following:

• in laws. This stretches from how you’re going to spend your Christmases going forward to when family members are toxic and must be avoided at all costs
• what happens in bed. This may be the case if your beliefs about intimacy have been shaped by your religion – it is possible you will have a more challenging time embracing that intimacy for what it is – a gift to your marriage
• children. Will you, won’t you, have you already? If you do have kids, your parenting styles – especially if they are vastly different – can be cause for tension and conflict
• money. How money gets handled in marriage is definitely NOT something that should just evolve or fall into place by accident
• chores. This covers who does what and when and is another one of those things that requires planning and regular evaluation
• not feeling loved or appreciated. If you weren’t living together before you got married then this can be a big shift because suddenly your relationship is “business as usual” and it can seem as though effort is getting put into other things
• conflict. Even small things will cause conflict, so learning how to deal with that is crucial

It’s not possible to work these things out 100% before you get married. Marriage is like building a plane when flying and as the years go by, you will both change in your views, even if just a little.

(A relationship meeting helps you go over lots of these areas and more and is a great way to have a regular check in. Here’s how to have a relationship meeting).

However it is possible to get things off to a good start by having some key conversations before you tie the knot.

These questions to ask before marriage are aimed to do just that.

(If you’re after some more fun and lighthearted questions to ask before marriage, you can also try these yes or no questions, most likely to questions and favorite things questions).

You might also like: Questions for couples.

Questions to ask before marriage about in-laws

1. What aspect of your upbringing had the most influence on you?
2. What’s the most important thing to know about your parents?
3. What role do you see our extended family playing in our day to day lives?
4. How will we manage spending important times (such as birthdays, Christmas) with our families?
5. It’s unlikely we will both have the same degree of closeness with our family of origin. How do we manage these different relationships and expectations?
6. How will we deal with disagreements between my family and you – and vice versa?
7. How will we deal with persistent animosity from an in-law to one of us?
8. How would we handle family requests for loans?
9. How involved would you want family members to be with our children (if we have any)?
10. Would we have our parents live with us if they were physically dependent in their old age?

Questions to ask before marriage about intimacy

1. What do you need in order to feel fulfilled physically?
2. What concerns do you have about physical intimacy?
3. What do you think is an ideal amount of time to be intimate a week?
4. How do we handle it if our drives differ, especially during difficult seasons?
5. How do we handle other issues that may occur in the bedroom (lack of satisfaction, for example)?
6. What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?
7. What kinds of activities are you open to?
8. What kind of activities are you opposed to?
9. What are your feelings about explicit material?
10. How can we keep the spark going?

Questions to ask before marriage about children

1. Do you want children?
2. If you want children, when do you envision having them?
3. If you want children, how many?
4. What do you see as being the ideal gap between children?
5. What will we do if we find it difficult to conceive a child or maintain a pregnancy?
6. How do you think a child should be raised in the first two years of its life?
7. What’s the role of a mother in a family?
8. What’s the role of a father in a family?
9. What are the most important values to impart to your children?
10. What do you want “family” to mean to us?

Questions to ask before marriage about money

1. What debt do you currently have?
2. How are you managing to pay that debt?
3. Will we pay off previously acquired debt together?
4. What goals should we have around debt repayment?
5. Should we keep our accounts separate, joint, or a combination of both?
6. How much money should be for personal use?
7. How much would you want to spend on a house?
8. What are our financial goals for the next five years?
9. How prepared are you for retirement?
10. What retirement goals should we set?

Questions to ask before marriage about chores

1. What chores should we do on a daily, weekly, and seasonal basis?
2. What chores do you want to do?
3. What chores do you hate doing?
4. What chores (if any) could we outsource?
5. When should we review this?

Questions to ask before marriage about connection

1. What kind of things trigger insecurity in you?
2. Do you have any trust issues?
3. What boundaries should we set around connections / friendships with the opposite gender?
4. What guidelines should we have for spending time apart (including trips)?
5. What were the main issues in your previous relationships?
6. What is your love language?
7. Beyond day to day living, what specific things will we do to spend time intentional time together (e.g. a regular date night)
8. How can we manage our different ideas of “fun”?
9. What hobbies could we develop together?
10. What interests of yours would you like me to be more involved in?
11. Do we go to bed at the same time? If so, when?
12. How do we handle busy seasons at work?
13. What would we be prepared to do for a job opportunity?
14. What does an ideal marriage look like?
15. What happens if our physical health compromises our marital happiness?
16. What does “for better or for worse” mean to you?
17. How do we prioritize our marriage above all else?
18. Are there any secrets you have that you think I should know?
19. What do we do when we feel disconnected from each other?
20. What do we do if we feel like we’ve fallen out of love?

Questions to ask before marriage about conflict

1. How do you handle stress?
2. What happens when we are both stressed?
3. If our needs are different, how do we decide whose takes priority?
4. How do you manage your anger?
5. What could you not forgive?
6. How do you react when you are in a conflict situation?
7. How was conflict expressed in your family when you were growing up?
8. How might the way we deal with conflict cause more problems / make things easier when we’re married?
9. When is it important to apologize?
10. What makes you feel heard in an argument?
11. What are some rules we should have about “fighting fair“?
12. What process will we use when making major decisions?
13. When would we consider marriage counseling (if ever)?
14. When should a couple consider separation and / or divorce?
15. How will we stop ever getting to that place?

Want some lighthearted questions? Try How well do you know me.

Other important things to discuss

Any conversation you have before marriage should also discuss issues around addictions, mental and physical illness, and forms of abuse – all difficult topics sure, but ones which can cause nasty surprises and issues later on if they are not addressed.

They don’t have to be things that you’ve personally experienced either, but that exist within your family, because these all shape us – emotionally, genetically… in ways we might not have realized.

In addition, if you do not share religious beliefs that’s going to have to be something you consider as well. How will will influence your day to day life through to things like religious traditions and the education of your children are important to have on the radar.

Summing up

Getting married is a super exciting time in anyone’s life, but it can be stressful too, because your life IS going to change.

Do what you can to make the transition the joyful and exciting time it is by being prepared. Part of being prepared is by working through these questions to ask before marriage.

Once you get married, ask these anniversary questions for couples every year!