Sleep tight, love right: The best nighttime routine for couples

Nighttime is when you recharge- why not recharge your relationship too? Here’s a nighttime routine for couples that combines rest with reconnection.

Having been married three times, I feel qualified to make an unscientific observation about bedtime and relationships.

My first husband and I were a team in many ways (just not enough of one to stay married).

Nighttime had a very predictable routine. While it was so many years ago now that I can’t remember the intricacies, I can categorically state that we always went to bed together.

Not so with my second husband, with whom I was more like an adversary than a partner. I would often hit the hay hours before him, and frequently he would fall asleep on the couch, stumbling into the bedroom around 2am.

When it comes to Ben, my forever husband, it’s much like me and my first. We go to bed together, read, then turn out the lights. In over 12 years, I can count the times we’ve gone to bed separately on one hand.

Now like I said, this is an unscientific observation based on my own experience. I know many happy couples who have different sleep schedules.

But I do believe that having a shared nighttime routine is a way of connecting with each other that can serve to deepen your relationship.

I’m a big fan of the PERMA+ model from positive psychology.

It’s a framework for wellbeing developed by Michael Seligman, the essential elements of which are positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment, with an added focus on physical health (the “+”).

I use positive psychology in my coaching and my life, and decided to play with what a nighttime routine for couples would look like if it were infused with the PERMA+ model.

Below you’ll find my suggestions for a bedtime routine, including a range of ideas to account for specific tastes, as well as specific prompts or structures when appropriate, should you require them!

It’s a bedtime routine with a difference that prioritizes reconnection as well as rest.

Positive emotion

What it is: Positive emotion in the PERMA+ model is about cultivating feelings of happiness, contentment, and warmth. In the context of a nighttime routine, this means ending the day on a positive note.

How it relates to your routine: Incorporating practices that generate positive emotions can help you and your partner feel closer and more satisfied with your relationship as you end the day.

Gratitude exchange

Example: At the end of each day, take turns sharing one thing you appreciated about each other. For instance, “I really appreciated how you made time for us to have lunch together today.”
Prompt: “One thing you did today that I feel grateful for is…”
Personalization Tip: If you’re short on time, try a “quick gratitude” where you each share one positive thing in less than a minute.

Example: End the day by complimenting something you noticed about your partner, like “You handled that stressful situation at work so calmly – I admire that about you.”
Prompt: State what you noticed and then what you liked about it.
Personalization tip: Keep it fresh by focusing on different aspects of your partner, such as their personality, actions, or appearance. Because let’s be honest – we all want our partner’s to be attracted to us.

Watch or read something uplifting

Example: Spend a few minutes watching a short, positive video or reading an uplifting story together. This could be a funny clip or an inspiring story that leaves you both feeling good.
Personalization tip: If you’re not into videos, or fear you may get sucked into the rabbit hole of reels should you venture down that path, try reading a short, inspirational passage or quote together instead. You might like these love quotes for couples.

Engagement

What it is: Engagement refers to being fully absorbed and present in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. In a nighttime routine, it means spending quality, distraction-free time with your partner.

How it relates to your routine: Focusing on activities that allow you to engage fully with each other helps deepen your connection and creates a sense of shared fulfillment.

Mindful breathing

Example: Spend five minutes practicing deep breathing or a simple mindfulness exercise together, focusing on being fully present in the moment.
Prompt: Place your hand on your chest or stomach so you can feel the movement under your hand. Focus on the feeling of the air entering your nostrils. Breathe slightly deeper than normal. Listen to the sound of the other breathing.
Personalization tip: If one of you is new to mindfulness, start with just 3 breaths and gradually increase the time.

Shared hobby

Example: Engage in a quiet, calming activity you both enjoy, like reading the same book (check out how to have a bookclub for two), working on a puzzle, or doing a small creative project.
Personalization Tip: Choose a hobby that fits your interests. If reading isn’t your thing, try listening to a podcast or doing a crossword puzzle together. You can find hobbies for couples here and see which ones might work for a wind down activity.

Disconnect together

Example: Set aside devices and screens for at least 30 minutes before bed, allowing you to be fully present with each other without distractions.
Personalization tip: Use an alarm to signal when it’s time to put the screens away.

Relationships

Couple looking at each other, clutching pillows

What it is: Relationships are all about focusing on building strong, meaningful connections. For your nighttime routine, this means engaging in activities that strengthen your emotional bond.

How it relates to your routine: Building and maintaining a strong relationship through intentional actions at the end of the day can help reinforce your connection and intimacy.

Nightly check-in

Example: Each night, take turns sharing the best part of your day with each other. This could be a moment that made you smile, something you’re proud of, or an event that stood out.
Prompt: “What was the highlight of your day today?”
Personalization tip: You can adjust this activity by occasionally sharing something more challenging that happened during the day to foster deeper understanding and support.

Physical affection

Example: Incorporate a few moments of physical affection, whether it’s holding hands, a hug, or a kiss, to reinforce your bond.
Personalization tip: Adapt the type of affection to what feels most natural for you both; it could be a cuddle, a back rub, holding hands. or going all in.

Create a joint journal

Example: Keep a shared journal by your bedside where you both write a brief entry each night. This could include things you appreciated about the day, thoughts about your relationship, or goals you’re working toward together.
Personalization tip: If writing every night feels overwhelming, get inventive with making audio recordings or quick video clips.

Meaning

What it is: Meaning in the PERMA+ model involves pursuing a sense of purpose and living a life aligned with your values. In a nighttime routine, this can be about reflecting on the deeper aspects of your relationship.

How it relates to your routine: Incorporating meaningful activities helps reinforce your shared purpose and the significance of your relationship, which can deepen your emotional connection.

Reflect on shared goals

Example: Discuss your progress towards long-term goals as a couple, whether they’re related to your relationship, family, or personal growth, and how you’re working toward them.
Prompt: “What step/s did we take to move forward on our goals today?
Personalization tip: Check out these couple’s goals to help you set goals that are meaningful to you as a couple.

Practice a ritual

Example: Spend a few minutes sharing in a ritual, such as having a cup of rooibus tea together
Personalization tip: You can find ideas in these rituals of connection for empty nest couples.

Storytelling

Example: Share stories from your relationship or past experiences that hold special meaning to both of you, reinforcing your shared history and values.
Personalization tip: If you’re not big on storytelling, try looking through old photos together and reminiscing.

Accomplishment

woman journalling as part of their couple goals

What it is: Accomplishment in PERMA+ refers to the sense of achievement and progress toward goals. In your nighttime routine, it’s about recognizing and celebrating the small and large wins in your relationship and personal lives.

How it relates to your routine: Recognizing accomplishments at the end of the day reinforces a sense of progress and satisfaction, both individually and as a couple.

Review progress on goals

Example: Reflect on any ongoing projects or goals and discuss the progress you’ve made, reinforcing a sense of achievement and forward momentum.
Personalization tip: Use a shared journal or app to track your progress and celebrate milestones together.

Celebrate small wins

Example: Acknowledge something you accomplished during the day (maybe the item above), no matter how small, and celebrate it together through an action that is meaningful to you both.
Personalization tip: If you don’t always have accomplishments to share, you can also discuss something positive that happened during the day.

Set tomorrow’s goals

Example: Before bed, set a small, achievable goal for the next day, either individually or as a couple, to maintain a sense of purpose and progress.
Prompt: Tomorrow, I intend to…

Health (The ‘+’ in PERMA+)

A couple in bed, looking at each other happily

What it is: Health is the “+” in PERMA+, emphasizing the importance of physical well-being as a foundation for overall happiness. In a nighttime routine, this means incorporating practices that support restful sleep and physical relaxation.

How it relates to your routine: Prioritizing health through your nightly routine helps ensure both partners are well-rested and physically at ease, which is crucial for maintaining overall well-being.

Sync sleep schedules

Example: Try to align your sleep schedules as closely as possible to create a shared rhythm, enhancing your connection and improving sleep quality.
Personalization tip: If syncing completely isn’t possible, aim to overlap your bedtime routines as much as you can.

Wind-down ritual

Example: Create an environment to promote sleep by dimming the lights, playing soft music, or enjoying a caffeine-free herbal tea together.
Personalization tip: Customize the ritual with activities that help you both relax.

Stretch together

Example: Engage in a brief stretching routine or light yoga to relax your muscles and reduce tension, preparing your bodies for restful sleep.
Personalization Tip: If stretching isn’t your thing, try a few minutes of deep breathing or gentle massage instead. Just don’t blame me if the massage leads somewhere.

By incorporating the PERMA+ model into your nighttime routine, you can create a ritual that strengthens your relationship and enhances your well-being.

Each aspect of PERMA+ (positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, accomplishment, and health – offers a unique opportunity to connect with your partner and improve your overall quality of life.

Start tonight – pick one element from this guide and see how it transforms your nightly routine and deepens your bond.

Remember, the key is consistency and personalization. Adapt these ideas to fit your unique relationship and enjoy the positive changes they bring!

Contents