How to survive your family Christmas

Christmas can be a super-stressful time. But with these strategies, you can survive your family Christmas with your sanity intact – and maybe even with dignity and grace!

Christmas is a high-pressure time.

Put together family who may not spend much time together, along with budget blowouts, complex menus, and the potential for many a childhood wound to be reopened, and it’s no wonder many of us feel more in the need of spirits than Christmas spirit come the 25^th of December.

At the same time, most of us would admit that there’s something very un-Christmassy about spending the holidays with only your immediate family having leftover takeout for lunch.

So if you’ve been asking any of the below questions:

• How do I survive my family at Christmas?
• How do you deal with a toxic family at Christmas?
• How do dysfunctional families get through the holidays?

then arm yourself before the day with these tips to survive Christmas with your family with your sanity intact.

Reduce your expectations

Your anxiety about your upcoming Christmas get-together is unlikely to be conjured from thin air.

Chances are you have a few past experiences that are the stuff of nightmares.

You know how fiery your brother-in-law can get once he has a drink in him, and how your mother-in-law will spend the entire day making veiled references about your lack of housekeeping prowess. So imagining or hoping the day could double as a feel-good Christmas movie is pointless.

In addition, the beauty of having low expectations is that it doesn’t take much to exceed them. So expect little and whatever happens, you’re not going to be disappointed.

Fortify your walls

If you know you’re going to put yourself in a situation where you’re under stress, it’s important that you face that situation in the best shape possible.

That means that before Christmas, make sure your physical health is as good as it gets.

Eat right, sleep right and exercise right. Check your spiritual and emotional health as well. Practice self-care.

When your walls are fortified, it’s less likely they can be breached.

Rehearse stock responses

Speaking of walls being breached, there are key conversations guaranteed to make you feel bad, super awkward, or ripe for confrontation.

Here’s just a few of the potential statements to be prepared for:

• Tell me about your birth plan.
• Are you going to have children?
• Why did your daughter drop out of college?
• So, when was the last time you got a promotion?
• How is your business going?
• Gosh you’ve been there a while haven’t you!
• Your husband seems a little distant.
• Is everything okay in your marriage?
• Have you put on weight?
• Oh, so you haven’t gone on an exotic overseas trip lately?

Ah, the list goes on.

You know what your triggers are, so instead of being blindsided by them, plan what you’re going to say when they’re activated – and then rehearse that response until it rolls off the tongue.

In addition, make sure you communicate these with your spouse (if he didn’t help you come up with them in the first place!). If you don’t, there’s the chance that one of you may say something the other one doesn’t want mentioned.

The other plus is that you can make it into a game – bet how many times you get asked that particular question for example – and have a prize for winning that will give you a way of changing pain to pleasure.

(You can also modify these Christmas questions that will steer the conversation away from you and on to other family members).

Put your husband first

Something very strange happens when we return to our childhood homes. Suddenly we revert from these fully functioning adults to the age we were when we left home. I’m not making this up either. Psychologists even talk about it (source).

Part of that is that our parents – if we haven’t spent a lot of time with them in our adult lives – treat us that way and we reply in turn.

As a result, your husband may find himself with someone he doesn’t even recognize or vice versa.

We can also find it hard when we have a conflict of interest.

Maybe your mother tells you that you need to go and visit your Aunt half an hour after you walk in the door, but your husband is exhausted. You please your mother, and annoy your husband.

If these things start to happen, then pull yourself up.

Your husband should be put first in all circumstances. If faced with a situation like the above, attempt to find out what he wants before you agree to anything.

In stressful times, it is more important than ever that you two remain a team.

This is especially true if you are staying at your family home.

Just imagine how isolated he would feel to be abandoned while you’re essentially nestled in the womb?

(Maybe sneak out for one of these Christmas dates to help keep you focused on each other.)

Have a code word

In case the stock responses don’t cut it, or conversation around the dinner table starts taking a turn you don’t like, then you need to be prepared with a code word or phrase.

This indicates to your spouse that you need rescuing.

The level of rescuing can also be predetermined – whether it’s to merely change the topic or to get out of the house – so that you feel confident that no matter what, you have an escape route.

Just make sure the word or phrase is something that you can say without it being too obvious, whereas at the same time isn’t something you’re going to slip out in normal conversation.

Stay in Switzerland

If you know that the holiday time will be extremely tense, then try to stay in a neutral place. I mean a physical place, not an emotional place, though that might be good advice as well.

This may be a challenging thing to do, based on how much space is available in the family home at which you are staying.

However, being able to retreat to this space at the end of the day, or even for some afternoon time out, may be the breather you need to get through those hours of enforced contact.

If you can’t pull this off without causing great offense, then look for other opportunities to get out of the environment, such as going for an afternoon walk under the guise of burning off some post-Christmas pudding calories.

Look for future stories

There’s that great quote- if you can’t be a good example, be a horrible warning.

The worst experiences can make the funniest memories.

As you watch the day unfold, when things get truly terrible, think to yourself how this is going to make a hilarious story to recount to your friends back at work, or to laugh at with your husband when you go to bed.

Dysfunctional family gatherings make the best stories.

Reward yourself

After Christmas in New Zealand is Boxing Day and Boxing Day is one of the biggest sale days of the year.

So that item you’ve been hanging out for?

Make buying it dependent on your ability to get through the day with grit and grace.

When things get tense, remind yourself of the treat you’re going to earn from this experience.

If shopping isn’t your thing, plan what you’ll tick off your Christmas bucket list next year instead.

Think of the long game

Even though it can be easy to get caught in the moment, the reality is that these family Christmases will not be around forever.

Time will pass, and your family members will too, and after that happens the day will never be quite the same.

As much as possible, try to set aside all feelings of negatively and enjoy the day for what it is – a chance for family to come together, to share one day together and to make memories.

Christmas can be a super-stressful time. But with these strategies, you’ll be surviving your family Christmas no problem  – and maybe even with dignity and grace!

(You might also like Christmas vacation ideas for couples – just in case a family Christmas is all too much!)